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Cage the Elephant: s/t

23rd June 2008 | by Aidan Williamson

Hello, and welcome to the rock 'n' roll academy. I will be your tutor for the next six months. After which you leave these halls a rock machine, on the lips of all the nations and worshipped by ladies quite easily young enough to be your own daughters.

The first thing you need to do is put distance between who you were and who you want to be. I notice here that you grew up in a strict Christian background? No, that's fine, but we're going to need you to put extra effort into swearing profusely and although you may use religious imagery within your songs, you must ensure that it's always in a negative context or symbolism for something else.

Next up is your image, we'd suggest against name-dropping too much when it comes to your influences, just go for something vague and inoffensive, y'know, like Bob Dylan and then bring it to the modern day so the kids can relate. Who's popular nowadays? Hmm, you could go with Jay-Z, then you'd appeal to the hip-hop crowd as well. Now, as for clothes, nothing says credibility like the dirtiest pair of jeans you can possibly find. Feel free to cut them a few times above the knee, but make sure there's no danger of the mouse leaving the house. Nobody wants to see that.

Stage antics, well here, you just have to ooze energy. Make sure you throw yourself around as much as possible. Rolling on the floor will gain you extra credit. When you're starting out try also to interact with the crowd, don't get too close though, a god must always be aloof. If you only sing, you will still need a microphone stand. No, I'm not sure why, it's just the way it's done.

I suppose we'll have to concern ourselves with your music eventually. Hmm, everybody loves to be able to describe a band by using the 'band A meets band B' line. So pick two bands and go nuts. What's that? Reef and Red Hot Chilli Peppers? Sounds fine to me. Make sure you do that thing where you scream over every bridge section, it'll really boost your legitimacy. Oh, also, learn slide guitar and ensure you bend every note you can, you want people to be playing your riffs in every guitar shop in the country come five years time. They'll never do that unless there are pitch-bends aplenty.

In terms of promotion, the press are your friends, try to make sure they latch onto terms such as “the shot in the arm that rock 'n' roll needs” but beware, you need to insulate yourself from criticism, we normally tell our students to downplay the views of the critics in interviews, but nobody reads anymore. Why don't you write a song about it, try the lines "So all the critics who despise us, go ahead and criticise us / It's your tyranny that drives us, adds the fire to our flames", that way, you can pretend that you're happy with bad reviews as well as good reviews, either way, you can't lose. The fans'll love it because you'll be dismissing the views of the establishment. Nothing says street-cred like anti-establishment attitudes. We've had to warn a few people though, this attitude should not extend to your tax-paying habits, if you're in jail, you can't tour, and that's bad. No, you shouldn't retaliate, even if someone describes you as being "...about as exciting as a night out with a group of badger watchers in Telford."

Yes, yes; we know it's hard to write songs. Just pick one basic formula and stick with it, change the lyrics and mess with the chord progression a bit, noone care if all your songs sound the same. The fans will just tell everybody you have a 'unique sound'. Nobody ever seems to correlate the words 'unique' and 'only one type', so you'll be golden.

Okay, you now know everything I do, so get out there and release the most average album you possibly can, who knows, maybe somebody will buy the whole “reinventing the wheel” crap you've been spinning. Besides, if you get the image thing right, buying crap will be a concept your fans will be immediately at home with.

Rating:  3 / 10

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