So you're being sued by the record industry?

There are worse things that can come through your door you know. It could of been a Volkswagen. But enough of the wishful thinking. You came downstairs and found an envelope, with eager anticipation you open it up.

It looked all official and everything, on taking out the letter inside you see a flash of a record company logo. Could it be true, did you win the competition to meet Beyonce Knowles in person? No, you're being sued.

Okay, it may seem bad at first, but don't fret. Litigation isn't the complex patchwork it once used to be. In a bid to improve their profit margin most of the labels have chosen to dispense of the middleman in these matters, the middleman being the legal system. So with any luck you may get a "pay us $1,000 or else..." demand. Look how nice they've been, they could of had you for millions, really warms your heart to see the lovely corporation give away $999,000 just out of the goodness of their hearts to keep the distress of this transaction down to a minimum, they're only thinking of you.

So now you face the choice of how to pay. Obviously they would prefer a one-off lump sum, but if you're a bit short this month just call one of their friendly advisors who will gladly reiterate their threat to pay up now. I mean you really should of considered this before you decided to be poor. You probably needed to go on a diet anyway. Now, back to business. The record industry really is forward thinking nowadays, you can even settle your lawsuit online at http://www.p2plawsuits.com where they accept Discover Card, MasterCard, or Visa. Make sure you have all your details ready, then head for the checkout. To keep the queue time to a minimum, ensure to proceed to the '10 lawsuits or fewer' aisle.

At this stage you might have the urge to start the bargaining process. "If I promise never to do this again, do I still have to pay" - Yes, of course you do, these lawsuits are designed to stop piracy, why would they care if you simply promised not to download pirated music again. By all means, feel free to do it again, and no, they don't give discounts to regulars. "Can I avoid this lawsuit if I immediately delete the illegal music and file-trafficking service from my computer?" - Don't be silly of course you can't. Once a case has begun, it is actually illegal for you to delete the pirated music from your computer (it's evidence) and doing so could result in you being sued.

Good, you've clicked the "PAY" button and have now settled your case. You will receive confirmation of this by post, and perhaps even a 5% off voucher for the latest release at Wal-Mart too. Yes we know this hasn't been a great experience for you, but please, don't stop buying those records. What's that... broke... destitute... homeless... sorry, you're breaking up there.